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The Marketing and Business Podcast For Online Entrepreneurs! Learn the best approaches from experts as well as the psychology of what it means to be a human in business!
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Escaping the Drama Triangle In your Business
Ever felt like you're constantly reacting to life's drama instead of directing your own story? Our latest episode takes you on a journey through Stephen Karpman's Drama Triangle, where we navigate the murky waters of conflict and uncover the roles we unwittingly play. As your host, I'm here to help you identify the victim mentality that entraps so many and to guide you toward the path of the creator, where you'll find empowerment and the ability to truly take the reins of your life. We'll reflect on our personal experiences and understand how adopting a creator mindset can transform feelings of helplessness into resilience and proactive change.
Shifting from passive to empowered isn't just about personal transformation; it's also about how we support others. We dissect the nuanced difference between playing the rescuer—a role steeped in good intentions but potentially harmful dependency—and becoming a coach who believes in the inherent strength and capability of others. Through anecdotes and professional insights, I'll share why it's crucial to trust in the autonomy of those we're helping, whether in personal relationships or in professional settings like consulting. So tune in, and let's explore how embracing an empowerment dynamic can revolutionize not just your own life, but also the lives of those you touch.
You can send them so much, but you need to trust in their powers that if they want to come, they come. If they want to work with you, they're going to message you. If they want to do the work, they're going to do the work right, so you cannot be doing it for them. So again, this classic example of I'm just following up, I'm just following up, I'm just following up again and again and you like to leave like a trail of message. This is like a trail of message, like a freaking essay. Very quickly Now I can say that this is a process, especially if you are someone who feels like why this is happening to me, life is happening to me, you know, like if you find yourself triggered in a way.
Speaker 1:Welcome back to the Intentional Visibility Mindset Training, day 1. This is day 1. And today we're going to talk about something that is going to forever change your mind and the way you think about everything. I know this is so important. So today you are going to learn the drama triangle and its opposite, the empowerment dynamic. So what is the drama triangle? So the drama triangle is actually developed by Cartman. It's called the Cartman drama triangle and the reason why we call it. Drama triangle is because this is how we behave in conflict. Okay, and there are three roles inside of the drama triangle there is the victim, there is the rescuer and there is the persecutor. Okay, and in response to the drama triangle, there are better ways to behave, which is what the empowerment dynamic is going to be teaching you.
Speaker 1:Now, before we get into the good part, let's explain to you. Let me explain to you what the drama triangle is, so you have a full understanding on what it is and when you are trapped in it. Basically, okay, so the drama triangle is. You know it has three roles the victim let's start with the victim role now. The victim role is an essentially inherently helpless role. Okay, so life is, life is happening to me, poor me, boohoo, you know, and there is a feeling of helplessness. You know there is a drain, there is no energy, there is a feeling of that. You're trapped, you know, and somehow the situation is something that you can't get out of, you know. You know you feel like you're completely trapped and you're out of options, so that the victim is. It can manifest in so many ways.
Speaker 1:Okay, and sometimes I, we, also fall into the victims in our businesses. Okay, concrete example someone is handing you. I have a client, you know, old as well, but you get a proposal and this proposal is not exactly what you expect. You feel undervalued, you feel like this is ridiculous. You know they should know my worth by now and you just get into this like spiraling. You know, like poor me, I can't believe that these people can't see my worth. You know, I just feel like I have to accept this or there's no option for me out there. Okay, so I'm trying to click away without stopping the recording. That's my ultimate goal. Let me see if I can. Okay, it did not stop the recording yet, but I just want to pull some parts for you and I need to go back and forth to check if this is not stopping.
Speaker 1:So, thoughts of the victim life happens to me. It's not my fault. I am powerless, my dream is impossible, poor me, boohoo, that's something I added. It's not. It's actually not officially in it. Feelings helpless, hopeless, helpless, hopeless, victimized. Okay, behaviors reacts the problem, um, and drama um gives up. You know, there is little, little energy to act. You know, on their situation, we maybe have been in this situation ourselves. Um, we know people who are constantly in this situation, and it's it can be quite annoying, to be honest with you. Even I'm annoyed with myself and I'm just like I feel like I can't think my way out of it. So the opposite of the victim is the creator.
Speaker 1:Okay, so creators are inherently thinking what options do I have? What options do I have? What options are available to me? Even if that's the situation, there's a bad situation, what options do I have? Okay, I get a proposal that is a low balling proposal. What options do I have? Like, um, can I just think about educating my clients that this proposal was too low? And, you know, maybe I need to make a better job or do a better job to explain the scope of the work, you know, because I'm thinking that they may not understand it instead of like falling into, like poor, poor me, you know, like I'm a victim, like why can't you see my worth? Right? So can I educate them? Like, can we open the conversation or can I respond to them with a contract proposal? Right, that is the options that I can have. You know, I can say no, I can find another client, I can. You know, those are the options. So the thoughts of the creator are another client. I can. You know. Those are the options. So the thoughts of the creator are I have a choice.
Speaker 1:Despite my circumstances, I am dedicated to continuing growth and I'm focused on what I can create feelings, hopeful, energized, inspired, resilient, okay, and behaviors, action oriented towards their desired outcome, take responsibility and make choices. And also uses baby steps to learn. Okay, that's quite normal sometimes for us to understand that growth happens slowly and gradually and we can take baby steps in order for us to grow. Now I want you to, you know, think about when you can move out of the victim to become the creator of your own life. I want to see if there's anything else to add here, from my notebook as well. Just one second.
Speaker 1:So the creator is inherently looking at the options, you know, and thinking that they have endless possibilities and opportunities. You know, thinking that they have endless possibilities and opportunities. You know, and, and even if things are bad, if someone you know, um, if someone else wronged me, for example, what options do I still have available for me? So sometimes it's it can be. There is a bad situation, is a client that is, you know, problematic, you know, but you can still think about, okay, what options do I have. I can be feeling sorry for myself or I can, you know, fire the client or look for something else. You know there's always options and that's kind of where, if you can shift your mind into thinking that you have options, then you will be able to get out of the victimized role very quickly.
Speaker 1:Now I can say that this is a process, especially if you are someone who feels like, why is this happening to me? Life is happening to me, you know, like if you find yourself triggered in a way that reminds you that you don't. You know your worth. You know people don't see your worth. It comes up to me sometimes when I'm like, oh my God, like why can't they see my worth? It comes up to me sometimes when I'm like, oh my god, like why can they see my worth? So, um, in that scenario specifically, I want you to think like, okay, what options do I have? And sometimes it takes a minute for you to cry about it go through the motions and get up and keep moving. So I'm thinking that the more you understand the creator role and the more you think about what options do I have, instead of falling into the drama of the situation and being able to remove yourself. The more you do it in rep you know the different situation the faster you're going to get out of the bed and back to work. Okay, so you can shorten it. Sometimes there will be new triggers and you will move out of them just as well, but I want you to be mindful of the fact that you have choices to move out if you choose to do so. That's very important for you to understand.
Speaker 1:Now let's look at the rescuer. We all know the rescuer. We can be overgiving and we can be rescuers ourselves. The problem with the rescuer, though, is that, inherently, the rescuer looks at the person as they are helpless. So think about a rescuer as looking at a victim like poor, because victim is like boo-hoo, I can't do nothing, right, and if there's a rescuer there, there has to be someone who has no ability to act. Okay, so the thoughts of the rescuers are I must save others from harm. If I do good, I'd be worthy. I feel sorry for them. Again, looking at the victim Okay, so, the fear of the rescuer is not being needed, right, and sometimes they, and it sounds really bad, but if they want to feel needed, they also need someone who needs them right. So it debilitates the person who is, you know, handling the rescuers and it gives the rescuers some kind of power that they can then implement to feel good about themselves, to feel good about themselves.
Speaker 1:Now, if you think about the inverse part of this equation, we call this the coach. Okay, so the coach are thinking inherently that people are powerful. Okay, and, by the way, rescuer behaviors jumps to save the day, you fosters, you know, dependency or codependency sometimes, and, um, these are behaviors that these people can, you know, exhibit. You know, instead of letting them handle something, you jump it right away, you handle it for them, and I'm totally guilty of this, by the way. And, um, just to feel good about myself, sometimes with with clients, but I'm like they could have done it for themselves, but I thought that I have to overextend myself in a way to make sure that they are also happy, but I didn't give them the chance to work on their own. So it's important to realize that when to take a step back and when to let them handle their things and when to actually come in, know, step back, and when to let them handle their things and when to actually come in and guide them right.
Speaker 1:So the thoughts of the coach are people are resourceful, creative and I trust in their abilities. You want to look at people, that they have powers, that they can act and they don't need you inherently. You can have a piece of the puzzle that they might need and you can help them to shortcut their learning curve, but nonetheless, they would be able to do it without you. Okay, you're come, you're coming here, you are providing the shortcuts, but it doesn't mean that you look at them as they are like lost without you. You know they can also figure it out. Just, it's gonna take longer for them, you know, and that's okay too. You know like you can allow them to do their own thing, do their own, be their own way, or you can come in and give them a shortcut path and you know something that you tested or you know, you have tried and it worked. You know and share that with them and help them that way.
Speaker 1:But you cannot do the work for them. They still have to do the work and in order for you to, to, to be really good at this role and to shift to this role from rescuing people to a coaching, you really have to lean back and sometimes trust that the people have their own powers. Feelings of these people are compassionate, engaged, engaged, fulfilled, reflective, supportive and non-attached. Okay, so I'm not attached to whatever outcome you're having, because I believe that's your responsibility and my responsibility is my responsibility. I believe I have powers and so do you, right. So I believe I can act and I can go and look for help, and, you know, hire help, whatever, and so do you, you know. So we don't have to debilitate people.
Speaker 1:And I can give you a very classic example of an anxious consultant. Okay, and this is the consultant that you have. You go into a sales call, for example. You do the sales call and this prospect looks like it's gonna become a buyer, right. So with that, you know, you send them a proposal and then nothing happens Crickets, right. So what ended up happening is an anxious, you know rescuing type of consultant is like hey, what's going on? You know, you know where are you? Because you are so anxious like what the fuck is this not going to go through?
Speaker 1:Like, you know, you can't lean back and trust in their abilities that if they are a yes, they're going to come through. If they are a yes, they're gonna come through. If there are. No, they might not come through, but at the end of the day, it's not your job to. You know you can't make them pay. You know you can't drag them to like, okay, here's where you pay. You can send them so much, but you need to trust in their powers that if they want to come, they come. If they want to work with you, they can message you. If they want to do the work, they're going to do the work right, so you cannot be doing it for them.
Speaker 1:So again, this classic example of I'm just following up, I'm just following up, I'm just following up again and again and you like leave, like a trail of message. This is like a real story, like a trail of message, like a freaking essay, like following up, following it every single day and and and. Then when person comes back online, you're like what the fuck you know this person is like. Haha, I'm not sure if I want to work this person, because this is just too much anxiety for me. Like, I feel like I'm being pushed right. So we have to.
Speaker 1:Sometimes, when we embrace this role and we understand that people are powerful, cool, let them be in their own powers, let them practice their powers. Let them be in their own powers, let them practice their powers. You know we can't drag them and assume they are stupid and idiotic and so they can't make a decision for themselves. Very important If you make this shift, you're able to, you're going to be able to see people as like, able to act Okay.
Speaker 1:So the final role is the persecutor role. And the persecutor role is thinking I must win, dominating others will get me ahead. Persecuted role is thinking I must win, dominating others will get me ahead, I know best. It's very defensive, it's very on guard. Some self-rageousness, some dominance and some criticism. Okay. So, for example, when we know better, right, like when we know better, when we feel like oh, that's classic, you know, and we feel like we just criticize. You know people or situations. Or you know family relationships, clients, you know. When we just label them like oh, my God, that client is a moron, you know, without looking at nuances.
Speaker 1:So a challenger is the opposite of the persecutor. The challenger thinks this way okay, things unfold at their own pace, you can do it, trust the process. So there is an inherent self-awareness and they are confident, direct, clear, empowered through their own values. So they behave in a way that it provokes and evokes themselves and others to take actions, focuses on improvement and growth, and holds themselves and others to take actions, focuses improvement and growth and holds themselves and others accountable. Okay, so, uh, a very good rule and a very good way to ask these questions, like self-reflecting questions like, like how can I learn from this situation if, even if someone else doesn't change, what can this conflict teach me? Is there something I can learn from this conflict? How can I make it through this experience and become a better person, even if this experience itself is negative? So, rather than we ask our environments to change, what we're going to do is we're going to look at, you know, the lessons that we can learn. Okay, so, essentially, for me, the challenger role is, instead of jumping into judging and, you know, criticizing, how can I, what can I learn from this situation? And especially, like, can I sit down and journal about this negative situation and what this has taught me, you know? And even if people don't change around me, still like, how can I learn from this? How can I handle this situation better? And again, this is massively hard and, of course, the more you practice it, the better you get.
Speaker 1:Um, it is a process like from going to persecutor, like labeling. You have a difficult client, for example, and it's not your fault that it's difficult, right, it's, it's, it's they are. That's who they are. Um, thinking about ways of okay, what is this teaching me? Or you have something that's completely outside of your control, like you have tech issues, like your facebook is putting you to jail, right? So instead of thinking like falling into you know angry mindset, or falling into victim, like why is this happening to me? Instead of calling them fuck Facebook, you know they are idiots, you know, instead of saying that and getting so reactive to clients, do external things. You can ask like okay, okay, what is this teaching me? Like how can this, how can I learn from this situation? And kind of, even though things are bad, people don't change, things don't change. Like, what can I take away for myself? So that was the very first intentional visibility mindset training.
Speaker 1:I hope this was helpful for you. Thank you so much for being here. Camera's dying, so I need to wrap it up. Let me know if there's any situation where you see yourself, what are the rules that you constantly take, and whether or not you have already cultivated some of the empowerment dynamics. If you want to learn more about the empowerment dynamic, there's a whole book on it. If you just look up empowerment dynamic, you will be able to find it. If you want to deepen your knowledge and your self-awareness about it, I highly recommend that book. Thank you so much for watching and I'll see you guys very soon.